To my son

To my sweet, sweet baby boy:

I am sorry that I failed you. I was trying so hard to keep you safe and protected, that I fell apart amidst they chaos your father was causing. I fell into the trap, because that has been his plan all along. To whittle me down to a point where I would eventually break. I did just that.... I now know what "bottom" feels like. I also know how to never allow myself to get there again. I am stronger now. I will walk through these obstacles as though they don't exist... for you. I will not falter. I will adapt and overcome. I will persevere. My son... I will not fail you again... not ever in that way at least. I will never forget the look of terror in your face after this summer vacation with me, in realizing you had to go back to dad’s house and couldn’t stay with me. It haunts me. I cried right there with you. I reminded you to remember mommy at bedtime every night, wishing you sweet dreams. I asked for you to remember that no matter what daddy and his puppet says, that mommy loves you more than anything in the whole wide world. It was a lot to ask, but I think you knew that anyway. I am working so hard to make things right and to keep you safe. I need for you to just hang in there a little while longer. I know it is a lot to ask of a five year old, but it is what it is. I am sorry for failing you. There isn’t a moment in my day where you aren’t in my thoughts. Hang in there my sweet, sweet boy… Mommy will never give up. Never. I love you O.