Catch and throw

Sam was quite the charmer. He comes off as a worldly man. One who has traveled, been educated, and has experienced many things. He also knows how to put on a show. He easily won the approval that of my friends and family by being charismatic and attentive. He was personable. He adjusted conversation easily to other people to make them feel like he was listening and interested in their conversations. Reality was, he was never interested in what anyone else had to say. He just put on a really good show.

It was difficult when I finally left because I was also very private. I never really told people about anything bad that happened because it made me feel stupid. By the time anyone knew anything about what was going on between us, it was like a ball flying out of left field for the people who had no clue. This included my own family. The first time I even mentioned anything to my father was when I found a conversation between Sam and one of his sisters on Skype talking about killing me. She told him to not kill me yet because they need the milk for 2.0... which is what he nicknamed our son. I forwarded that information to my father and to a friend for safe keeping had anything happened to me. This was within the month that I had our son, so I was floored. I thought that everything was okay at that point. Next thing you know I'm reading e-mails between him and a buddy saying to never have kids because they aren't worth it. He also told his buddy that I was a bitch, but an "itch needs a scratch." I came to realize that he frequently talked about me in that way to other people. He didn't say good things about me and would tell stories that never happened the way he said they did. He made me appear to be crazy, and I felt that way.

He would cast me away numerous times and reel me right back in with his charm. He knew just how to apologize (or threaten me), to get me to stay and get me to do what he needed of me. It was like he was sport fishing.... with one fish. I took the bait every time too.  Every other month he would throw me back in the water, and then after a few weeks he would bait me back in.

Hook, line, sinker

For some reason, I believed everything that Sam told me.  He even convinced me of things that I definitively knew to be true, to be false. The proper term that I am referring to when it comes to him screwing with my head, is "gas-lighting." Sam would make me think I said something that I didn't say, or did something I didn't do. He made me believe that I didn't tell him things that I would swear by that I had. It made me continuously question myself and created an insecurity in me regarding my own judgement. I would feel crazy because of these things. I have always prided myself in my organization and memory skill, so this hit me hard and knocked me down.  I soon started to take his word over what my mind remembered because I actually believed him over myself. Crazy, isn't it? How someone can get inside of your head and just tinker around with your thoughts and mess you up like that? No one really likes to admit when someone has done that to them. It makes you feel so out of control because it's almost like you just opened the door for them to do that to you. But it isn't that simple. We don't really purposely open a door for someone to walk right in and destroy our minds. Sometimes we just crack the door open and take a peek and the damn snake just slithers in without us even noticing.

He captured me... even worse, he captured my loved ones right along with me.