Fear

When you become a mother, fear envelops a new definition. When you become a mother and have no choice but to attempt co-parenting with a sociopath, the word "fear" doesn't exactly cover it.

My normal fears in becoming a mother were pretty standard. The typical anxieties experienced with leaving your child for the first time... the stumbles and falls when helping the little guy learn to walk and the fear of choking on solid foods. "Stranger danger," looking away for just two seconds too long and losing sight of him, big ouchies that can't be kissed better.... So many fears that seem silly after time passes and nothing happens. Those fears grow and expand into different forms with time, but for the typical parent, they don't stretch beyond the "standard" set of fears deemed normal for a parent to have.

Introduce a sociopath to the mix and now we have a whole new ballgame. The rules are different. The game is different.  One of the players doesn't play fair and the teammates he recruits are just as bad, if not worse at times. Now the new set of fears involves the mind fucking (no real polite way to say it) he does with our kid. Now I have to worry about the mental abuse and the manipulations... the secret ways he hurts our son both mentally and physically... just like he did to me. It is a repeat of myself but to a smaller and more innocent person.... that person being my entire heart walking around outside of my body in the form of a small boy. He is afraid to talk to me about it anymore... because when I try to help, other people get back to his father in the process and he suffers for it. I was afraid to say anything to anyone. I was afraid of the consequences of telling someone. It is far more painful for me to watch our son suffer... and he knows that.

Fear now includes what someone might do to help Sam against me in every aspect of my life, but most importantly, in the ways that involve our son.  My professional world has been invaded with attempts to discredit me. My personal world has been ripped at the seams... my sanity toyed with... my physical well-being compromised... and the bastard almost destroyed me.... ALMOST.

"Damaged people are dangerous... they know that they can survive."