What is something that is abnormally normal? In my life, it is normal for me to live by audio recorder and journaling. I have to carry a recorder with me everywhere in order to protect my future self from accusations from Sam. I have to record each conversation incoming and outgoing that involves him. I have to journal my days so I know which day has what recording and what in general went on so I can account for everything going on. On top of this, I have to be aware of my surroundings... who might be watching me for him... at work... near my home... out on the town... anywhere I am, I must be vigilant and suspicious of the smallest things. My friends are now few and far between because it is hard to determine who can and cannot be trusted. This is what is now my norm. It is far from what normal is... but it is now my new normal. It has been for over three years now. I hate it.
Sometimes I find myself to be in the position he wanted me in all along... the one where I regret leaving. Do I really regret it? No. I could potentially be dead by now had I stayed. I just sometimes wonder if it would've been easier to remain on the inside of the storm in order to better protect myself with being able to anticipate his next strike against me.
I realize, how strong I really am. I have fallen. I have been broken down and I have been beaten up. But I still stand. I still stand and I still fight and I will be a victor... not a victim. It isn't just me who depends on this, but my son too. There are some days where I am defeated. And on that day, it is okay to be defeated. Tomorrow will always come and I will not be defeated tomorrow.
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