I am me...

Reality is... Hindsight is 20/20.

I did things and said things that seemed to make sense to me during the time that things occurred.  I made excuses for myself and for other people, and I allowed for my judgment to be clouded.  Little red flags popped up as warning signs and I ignored them in order to allow my fantasy of the perfect world I wanted to live in, to continue. 

I write this knowing that there will be a select group of people who will likely label me a nutcase and another group of people who will be able to relate to me on a deeply intimate level.  I also know, that writing what I plan to write, will be like leaving myself standing stark naked in front of a group of strangers. The preface has already left me topless. 

Asking to not be judged is a difficult request.  It is human nature for us to perceive things as we wish to and judge (even if silently) others. Writing here at least gives me a way to release what it is I was thinking at the time I was being stupid, or scared, or while giving a person way more than they deserved of me. 

So, to understand me a bit better, let me tell you of myself. 

How does one describe themselves without fear of being perceived a certain way?  Conceited... depressed..... It doesn't matter what I really put, as there will be judgment in all of it, so oh well.  Here we go.

Physically -

I am 32 years old.  I am of average height and weight with a fairly fit body type.  I have been told that I have "pantene" hair by every hair dresser I have ever encountered.  My hair is a wavy, deep chocolatey brown but it is hard to tell unless the sunlight hits it just right, so most people would say my hair is black.  I have hazel eyes that change weird colors that both entrance people and scare them at the same time.  One eye likes to appear bluer in color and the other yellowish in color... but more so in close-up photographs.  I have olive colored skin and I consider myself to be generally pretty on most days. I have a splatter of freckles across my face that somehow magically appeared overnight years ago.  I am physically strong and have always worked labor intensive jobs because they are most rewarding to me. 

Mentally -

I am pretty forward.  I consider myself to be a bit sarcastic and witty on a typical day.  I speak my mind and I am not always tactful about it. Actually, I am rarely tactful unless I am in a professional setting of which requires me to be.  I'm not perfect and I don't strive to be... I just strive to be better today than I was yesterday.  My mind is strong but I do shut down.  I am like anyone else and I have my breaking points too. 

In Loving Someone -

I am a loyal puppy dog.  You hit me and I still come back.  I love you unconditionally and trust you until you give me reason not to.  Once I lose my trust in you, I become conditioned to maintain a wall and question your motives.  I can be over analytical and when I love someone, I seem to become more sensitive to their words than I normally would.  I go beyond my own comfort zone in order to make them happy and find pleasure in doing things that makes them happy... especially the little things.  I find myself taking joy in doing things that I don't particularly like when I know that my partner equally dislikes a task, and I take care of it so they don't have to. Take dishes for example... I am not fond of the dishes but my partner HATES washing dishes with a passion.  I do the dishes and find some joy in doing them because I know she hates them. Yes, you read correctly... I said 'she.'

In Work -

I take pride in my work, regardless of what I am doing.  I have worked jobs ranging from serving tables, teaching gymnastics, sorting mail, and packing parachutes... to fighting fires and saving lives on an ambulance.  My latest endeavor is nursing but my passion is being a Paramedic.  My body completely disagrees with my labor intensive choices at this point in life.  I LOVE being a Paramedic.  It is such a dynamic profession which has allowed me to meet people whom I have come to admire and strive to professionally model myself after.  I like to think of myself as a little bit of everyone who has ever taught me within this field.  I am also a little bit of myself.  I know that I am good at what I do because my reputation as a medic speaks for itself.  I can handle chaos... just seemingly not always when it belongs to me.