It's funny how when you are in love with a person, you would do most anything for them... even things that go against everything you believe. But when you unsuspectingly fall for a sociopath, eventually you begin to get lost in what you really believe and get sucked into a cyclone of their needs and wants. This happened to me. I did things... said things.... and eventually believed things to be different than what they really were. People like Sam are good at that... fucking with your head and manipulating your thoughts and feelings. It is what they do best. You aren't a friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc to a sociopath. Instead, you are a ticket... a piece to a puzzle... a key to entering a specific door. You will be used and abused and to the length and extent of which you will allow for it to continue, or until the point of which you are no longer of use.
Getting lost in another person can make you completely lose yourself. Getting lost in a sociopath will make you not only lose yourself, but also makes you feel crazy. It may even make you behave irrationally and lose control like you never have before. I witnessed Sam doing things that would normally cause me to run the other way screaming... but instead, for him, I made excuses and made exceptions for him. I'm not proud of these things. Little red flags would pop up like crazy, giving me clues to run and never look back. Instead, I pulled those flags and laid them down... looking past reality, getting lost in crazy land.
Some of the clues just let me know he was not a good person, not necessarily that he was a sociopath. I don't know that had I left when I should have, that I would have even figured out that he was a sociopath. I learned right off the bat that he was a compulsive liar. He would knock that up to be him lying to protect my feelings... to keep me happy. He would always say, "No one is 100% honest all of the time." I get that... we tell little white lies here and there and sometimes get caught up in them, but his lies were important lies. Lies about other women and past discrepancies. I agree that you aren't necessarily what your past is made up of, however, if you are still behaving like you did in your past, then you are likely still that person that you try so hard to hide from. Sam cheated... I found him registered to several dating sites... even ones for hook-ups where he was doing contract work overseas. I knew it and felt it in my bones... I knew he was unfaithful on several occasions. I just couldn't prove it. I have learned from this, that, "In the absence of certainty, instinct is all you can follow." And you should believe your gut feelings... they are there for a good reason. "Trust, but verify."
Sam lied about his closeness to his family. He spoke ill of all of his family members. This confused me when I saw them together because they were so close, it was almost incestual at times. The way they touched each other and spoke to each other was creepy and concerning. Sam would walk around his sister's home in nothing but his briefs and they would pat each other on the butt in passing... I could also never imagine myself using the word "sexy" in describing a family member. I may have been just a little over sensitive with that, but in combination with their physical behaviors, I accounted for that as abnormal too. I guess when his sister got drunk and pulled me to the side the day before we got married and told me that she was trying to like me, but couldn't, because she had been looking for a man like Sam all her life and that if she could marry him and have all his babies, she would. To make matters worse, I told her that what she said concerned me on a number of levels and she responded with, "Oh honey, they used to do that all the time in the 14th Century." Clearly there was no arguing with her on how disgusting that was because she felt there was nothing wrong with her feelings. There was no point in doing anything other than nodding and walking away. This very same woman, continuously asked to see my son's penis when he was born... her explanation being that she just couldn't believe that we had a boy. I know I need not say more about that.
Sam lied about the amount of women in his past. I would find notes in the mailbox from women who were in town and stopping by to say hi. The neighbor, who thought that I was a new tenant and that Sam was gone, was talking about "they guy who lived there before me" and how he always had different women circling through all the time.
Sam would backstab friends all the time and justify it with doing whatever it takes to keep his "family" safe and financially sound. He would smile in their faces and when they walked away, he would make mention of how they were an important part of a plan for him. Doug, Keith, Dave, Tim, Hugh, Shelley, Bear, Val, Mark, Ashley, Joe.... all people who were tricked by him and still don't even know it. But I do. They will see it in time. "Everything you do in the dark, comest to the light eventually."
Sam forged a doctor's signature to a medical clearance form for Triple Canopy... the contract company he was going back overseas with for work. He couldn't get in to see the doc within the time limitations he had, so he just cut and pasted the signature from the last form he had. Sam later turned around and sued them through the Whistleblower's Act with claims that they falsified qualifying records for the Ugandan guards that Triple Canopy had staffed under a government contract. Ironic, isn't it?
What did Sam do to me? He frequented a technique called "gas-lighting." Sam would swear that I said or did something that I never said or did. He would tell me that I never told him stuff that I knew I told him. He would swear he told me things that he never actually told me and it got to the point where I started to question myself and really believe that he was right. Maybe I didn't hear him say he had to be somewhere at a certain time... or maybe I didn't actually tell him that I needed to be somewhere. Was I going crazy? I am pretty organized with my calendar books, pre-set alarms, and notes to myself... but for some reason, my organizational skills had been failing me a lot when I was with him. At least that is what I thought. I started to believe that I was becoming forgetful. I wasn't completely stupid about it though. I began writing myself extensive notes with dates and times to make sure I had something to look back on showing that I did things that Sam said I didn't do, but that didn't matter. He wouldn't look at my notes. I remained feeling crazy because he wouldn't listen to me... even in knowing that I wasn't forgetting things, because he refused to look at what I had that proved otherwise. I felt defeated.
What did I do for Sam? I became submissive. In every aspect of my world, I submitted to him and did what made him happy... even if it hurt me... emotionally and physically. I even gave into what he wanted of me sexually, as much as I could take. He wanted me to say that I enjoyed his rough sex to a point where I even started to believe that I did. He didn't care about hurting me. For him, I caved into telling him I enjoyed it and responded appropriately, just to make it easier on myself. Disagreeing made it worse. Asking him to be more gentle made him more rough. He overpowered me and I eventually became more fearful. Sleeping was scary. I never knew when I was going to wake to him on top of me, in whatever fashion he was in the mood for. I still don't have it in me to physically detail what happened behind closed doors. What bothers me the most, is that I submitted to his wants and needs and in turn, I lost myself, becoming nothing more than an object of pleasure for him. I wanted for him to like me. I still wanted for him to love me. I wrote emails talking sexually in the way he liked... I even asked for him to do the things to me that I hated, because I knew he liked it. I never felt good about that. It was easier to just be what he wanted for me to be, rather than to be myself. I became a liar too... I wasn't even me anymore.
It was difficult after our son was born. Sam didn't get the one thing from me that he wanted the most... an abortion. When I got pregnant with our son, he tried everything to get me to have an abortion. First, he started with the sweet and supportive (manipulative) stance, begging me to consider an abortion because of "bad timing." Once I didn't agree with him, he turned into a grade A Asshole to try to make me hate him so I wouldn't want to have his kid. Then, he told me I was ruining his life and my life, and ultimately the life of our future child. I was depressed for the entire first trimester and communication with Sam was near absent. Hindsight being 20/20, he came around when an abortion was no longer a legal option, and explained that he was just scared and it was a "knee-jerk" reaction, that he was sorry. Yes, I was an idiot and married him after that.
Something about Sam that is entertaining, but frustrating all the same, is that he actually believes his own lies. He will stick to a lie like gorilla glue and no matter the evidence against it, he will conjure up something to try to make it look like a truth. It amazes me how far he will go to in trying to look like an honest person, but it is an ugly battle to have to fight when you have someone who believes so much in their own lies that they will go to any length to make it look truthful. He justifies his behavior to other people by saying he is doing it to ... you guessed it, protect his son. You know... the one he didn't really want. He still doesn't want him. He only wants him for one purpose... to hurt me. I hurt, but I am not dead. The previous battles may be over, but the war has just begun.
I am a force to be reckoned with.... I am a mother.
